Wedding zipper woes—and split pea soup

Last night, as I got dressed for a Chabad dinner honoring my dear friends Janet and Lior Hod, I inhaled and zipped up my dress. “Hmmm, this zipper won’t break, will it?” I thought. Not willing to think I gained weight since I wore it last, even though I know I did, I chose to take a chance as I was running late.

You know those moments of fear, envisioning your zipper breaking and no way out of an embarrassing situation. Last time that happened to me I was in a fitting room in Nordstrom’s. Thankfully they have those nice private rooms. I had a few dresses that I thought might work and one ridiculously expensive one that I had a feeling wouldn’t fit and was way out of my price league — but hey, a girl’s gotta have fun. So I shimmied into the dress and just about got the zipper when it wouldn’t budge anymore. Oops, zipper was stuck. Guess I would have to take it off. Couldn’t get the zipper down or up, and I was turning blue because I held my breath for so long at that point.

“What was I thinking cramming myself into a size 0?” I chastised myself.

Every now and then on a rare occasion if the dress runs big I can do it, but alas, it was to be this time. I tried to calm myself down and told myself to take deep breaths, but then I realized the zipper would burst and if I was going to pay for couture I was going to get to wear it whole, not in pieces.

I tried to lift it above my head and now my face was stuck inside and I really panicked. There was a knock on the door and the sweet young salesgirl asked how everything was and if I needed anything in a different size. I wanted to scream, “Yes, I need a bigger size, I’m stuck in this dress and I can’t breathe!” but instead I managed a muffled “I’m good.”

Ten minutes later I was ready to cry. I had to ask for help, but I gave it one more try and I was able to lift it over my head. To say I was relieved was an understatement. I quickly hung the dress up and headed out of the fitting room. The sales girl asked how the stunning designer dress looked. As I handed it to her I said, “I loved the dress but just didn’t like the fit.” Figured I didn’t have to go into detail about how the dress kept me captive for close to a half hour.

My husband Jerry, on the other hand, didn’t let a broken zipper get him flustered. He was at his good friend’s wedding, in a rented tux, doing some sort of kazatzka when all of a sudden his zipper burst and his pants split from ankle to ankle, basically leaving him in a skirt. He sauntered out of the circle, not even running for the safety of cover.

The hall was an hour away from home and he didn’t want to miss his good friend’s wedding. He went over to the caterer and asked if he had any pants he could borrow. He scratched his head wondering how he could help Jerry. Guests usually asked for end cuts of prime rib, not pants. He steered Jerry into the kitchen to ask if there were some extra chef pants he could borrow. They managed to find a pair of used, stained pants that Jerry was grateful to get.

“So did you wait in the car or lobby for [then-wife] Nanci till the wedding was over?” I asked. “No way,” he replied. “I spent the rest of the night dancing.” Good thing he was married to Nanci at the time because I wouldn’t have let him dance the night away in stained white chef pants that came up to his mid calf because they belonged to a 5’5” chef. Jerry is 6’1”. I could just picture it!

Since the weather is still cold out this week I bring you split pea soup. Come on, you had to see that one coming.

Split Pea Soup

Ingredients:

1 lb green split peas

5 celery stalks, diced

11/2 sweet onions chopped

1 large clove of garlic, minced

8 cups of vegetable broth

3 large carrots diced

Salt and pepper

Directions:

Wash and drain the peas

Place the peas, celery, garlic, onion and vegetable broth into a pot.

Bring to a boil and them reduce to simmer and place a cover on the pot, open just a crack.

Let cook for an hour and a half, stirring occasionally. Add the carrots and cook for an additional 40 minutes.

Can be served immediately or after cooled. May be stored in the refrigerator for up to four days. Can be frozen as well.

Judy.soiree@gmail.com