Opinion: Doing what's right for your at-risk child

Safety first, religion later

By Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Issue of Feb. 20, 2009 / 26 Shevat 5769

Dear Rabbi Horowitz,

You [have written] that, "Your primary responsibility is to provide

for the needs (and wants) of your children." Do you feel that this

applies to grown children as well? When a child is over 20 and capable

of earning a few hundred dollars a month, but it will take up much of

his spare time, should the parents still be expected to fund the

"wants"?

Our at-risk son is resentful because we aren't funding his wants. He

is clothed, fed, and has all his medical needs taken care of. If he

needs to see a doctor, my wife or I drop everything and run for him.

He drops off his dry cleaning and gets it back all nice and paid for.

But there are some things I just won't fund. (And I can't.) In the two

years he was in Israel, we spent more than we can afford on his

schooling, planes, health insurance and monthly spending stipend of

$120 plus $50 toward his phone. (We are in debt about $10,000 right

now.)

He feels resentful that we aren't paying for his wants and therefore

he must spend leisure time to work to provide for his other leisure

time. (He's said hurtful things such as, Why did you have me if you

weren't going to pay for me?) Therefore, when he does come home for

Shabbos, he will hardly lift a finger to help in the house.

I think that since we are broke, we should let him grow up and learn

some restraint. Perhaps I should just tell him to drop the program

he's in and work full time and do night school. But in the meantime, I

also think he is wrong not to offer assistance when he is home.

Rabbi Horowitz Responds

I know that the thrust of your question was about your financial

obligation to your at-risk teen son, but I strongly feel that you

would be best served by taking a step back and addressing the broader

question of how to best assist your son regain his footing and get

back on the road to a productive life. From what I read between the

lines of your question, it seems like your relationship is rather

strained with him at this point in your lives. I respectfully suggest

that you consider working on understanding your son before dealing

with the X's and O's of the monetary matters.

Imagine that you went for a walk one winter morning and found your

neighbor sitting in his car, vigorously turning the steering wheel,

while the engine is shut off. When you ask him why he doesn't start

the car, he responds to you that his battery died, and he will soon

get jumper cables to 'give it a boost.' However, before he does that,

he would like to turn the front wheels away from the curb so that once

the car is started, he will instantly be able to pull out of the

parking space and get to work.

I think that this analogy sheds some light into my overall line of

thinking regarding assisting at-risk teens. Very often, and

understandably so, parents would like to start helping their kids by

addressing the antisocial behavior (for example, drug or alcohol

abuse) or the rejection of Torah values (for example, not keeping

Shabbos). I have found, however, that the most effective thing that

parents can do to really help their child is to assist him or her in

getting their lives in order. Once that is accomplished, it is far,

far easier to help with the other matters.

You see, as long as your teen is unhappy and/or unproductive, it is

as if his or her life is on hold –– the vehicle is stalled. The 'power

steering' that enables positive change to occur and a sense of

spirituality to develop can only kick in when the engine of

accomplishment is turned on. You can exert a great deal of force

turning the wheel while the engine is off, but you will be draining

your energy, shredding the tires and digging trenches in your driveway

while this is going on. It is much wiser to work on helping your teen

achieve success first. The rest will follow, with the help of Hashem.

I often tell parents of at-risk teens to follow the sage advice of

the Kotzker Rebbe (Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk, 1787-1859) who noted

that the Torah informs us (Shmos 22:30) "V'anshei kodesh te'heyu li –

people of holiness shall you be to Me." The rebbe pointed out that the

Torah places the word Anshei (people) before kodesh (holiness), in

effect telling us to be a 'mentch' before attempting to achieve

spirituality (his exact works in Yiddish were, "kodem a mench un nach

dem heilig – first [become] a [refined] mench, [and only then [strive

to become more] holy).

While the rebbe did not express these thoughts in terms of at-risk

teens, I feel that this though represents by far the most effective

way for parents to chart a course for the lives of their at-risk kids.

Help them become 'mentchen' –– functioning, productive young adults

who have a reason to wake up in the morning, who feel that each day is

a gift that ought to be unwrapped as the treasure that it is –– before

you work on the at-risk symptoms. For once they become happier and

more productive, you will find it so much easier to 'turn the wheel.'

In a very practical sense, it means to help your child get a GED or,

better yet, help resume schooling in a mainstream setting. Send them

for career counseling and get them a job. Tell your child that you are

in this together and you will always love him or her forever (you may

get a roll of the eyes, but I can assure you that your child will be

forever grateful for this). Get your child into therapy if there are

'issues' that need to be resolved. Show leadership and express your

love by going for counseling yourself to help you effectively parent

your child through this challenging stage in his or her life.

Please print this line and affix it to your desk or refrigerator. It

is one of my favorites and I tell it to parents every time that I

conduct a class on parenting at-risk teens. "No One Ever Changed the

Oil in a Rented Car." That means that the more ownership your teen

feels in his life, the more likely he will be to avoid reckless and

life-threatening behaviors. Giving them the keys to their lives will

give them the 'boost' they need.

I would also suggest that you carefully study the theory of Abraham

Maslow on "The Hierarchy of Needs." He suggests that there are five

sequential 'needs' aligned like a pyramid. Once the more primitive

needs are met (safety, security, belonging), a person can begin to

work on achieving success (self-actualizing). As with all theories,

you need not agree with it in its entirety (I don't), but there are

profound lessons to be learned from his thoughts.

I will close with a final thought and plea. Please, please ignore

your neighbors and societal pressure and, l'maan Hashem (for G-d's

sake), do what is right for your child. I have seen far too many

children sacrificed on the altar of "what will the neighbors say?"

Keep your eye on doing what is right for your child. That's all that

really matters.

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the founder and menahel of Yeshiva Darchei

Y.E.S.

Adapted from a parenting column