Ask Aviva: Worried about money

Dear Aviva,

I am either spending my day worrying about money, or feeling guilty that I am worrying about a petty thing like money, and not appreciating my health or family. And I also feel so restricted since I’m watching every penny. I feel like it’s taking over my life.

-Dollarless

Dear Dollarless,

Ok, so what you are telling me is that you are just like every other red-blooded American in 2012 since you are worrying about money. I’m not going to try to balance your checkbook according to a budget. I simply want to try to help you ride through the anxiety of making ends meet and be able to live your life in an enjoyable, responsible manner.

First, I want to make it clear that you are not crazy for worrying about money. It is very difficult to make ends meet while gas prices are rising, and unemployment rates are not dropping fast enough. It is very difficult to bear the responsibility of providing for a family when you are unsure if you are actually able to. And if you are restricting yourself daily, then you are really feeling the choke.

In terms of the guilt: what exactly are you feeling guilty about, that you have health and family and should be appreciating that? Or is it more like survivor’s guilt, where you compare yourself to those who have even more limited financial means than you? Either way, I want you to indulge the guilt. Don’t ignore. Instead, listen to what the message is. If you feel like you are under appreciating what you do have, then start compartmentalizing. Yes, you have money woes. Yes, they overwhelm you. That is only one piece of your situation. Another piece is that you are very blessed in other areas. These can be two pieces that co-exist. They can run parallel to each other and not contradict each other. Now, try to feed the piece that tells you that you’re blessed. Try to once a day say to yourself, “I am blessed because ___”. Or, if you are in the middle of something that makes you realize that you are fortunate for something, like a brisk walk or laughing with your family, take a snapshot of that in your mind and tag it as “Wow, I’m so lucky to be healthy!” Or, “What cute kids!” This can be true, even if you have empty pockets.

If the guilt is more like survivor’s guilt, where you see your friends or neighbors with less than you, the method is the same. Your guilt is nagging at you. Let’s turn it into something productive. What is a small thing that you can do for them to help brighten their day? I’m not talking about giving them money, or lightening their expenses. I want you to do a small, direct act of kindness for them. If you can’t think of anything, just keep your antennae out and the opportunity will surely present itself. And you may be surprised how the goofy feeling of giving may temporarily numb your asset anxiety.

Ok, now it’s time to make sure that you feel like a human being who is not fully restricted by price tags. First of all, you need a dose of leisure. What is the dosage? Let’s start small, maybe ten minutes a week. What is leisure? That’s up to you. But stay clear of the palm trees and hammock sort of leisure, and focus on things like a bike ride, a jog, a bubble bath, a cup of coffee sitting on your front porch. Or, just park in Bayswater by the part of the bay where you have a clear panoramic view of the Manhattan skyline and the planes taking off at JFK. But keep on driving if you notice a certain advice columnist who is relaxing there first!

When you do have a bout of intense anxiety over money, just try to ride the wave of it and keep breathing throughout. Tell yourself it will get better. Check out relaxation exercises online, like my favorite, Cook’s Hookup.

If you try all this and nothing can make you smile, it’s time to get a therapist. It’s an investment that you should not miss.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Lawrence. She can be reached at 347-292-8482 or AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.