Ask Aviva: The friend of my friend is my what?

Dear Aviva,
I am very good friends with Rachel, who is very good friends with Tamara. Tamara and I don’t get along. We are all aware of the dynamic, and until now, we would be respectful towards each other. Recently Tamara has been making very biting comments to me. I never bite back, but I do tear up very often. I was wondering what you thought about me approaching Rachel and asking her to say something to Tamara.

-Bawling Buddy

Dear Bawling Buddy,

This doesn’t sound like a good scenario, but the good news is that you do have some choices. I’ll lay them out for you and you decide what works best. First, observe how Tamara speaks to Rachel.

Is she insidious with her too? If so, it may be more difficult to make direct behavioral changes with Tamara. This just may be how Tamara treats everyone and you are someone who has a thinner skin. In that case, don’t try to change anything except the frequency of your exposure to her. It’s not like you guys have a deep friendship that would make it worth it to try to make major personality changes here.

If Tamara treats Rachel well and uses you as her whipping girl, approach Tamara yourself. Email her or text her and tell her you’d like to speak to her about something.

Ask her to call you back when it’s convenient for her. If she calls you, tell her that you’d like to know if you did anything to offend her, because you’ve noticed that she seems upset with you. If she denies anything, just tell her that she’s been making hurtful comments, and give her an example or two. Tell her you’d appreciate if she speaks differently with you. If she doesn’t even call you, try calling her yourself. I know this method is very gutsy. It’s difficult to do, but you will feel very empowered afterwards, even if she doesn’t react the way you would like. (Being proactive is a lot like a drug. You can get high off of it, and it’s actually non-toxic. But it’s not regulated by the FDA, so don’t quote me on that.) If Tamara really treats Rachel more respectfully, then try observing them. When Rachel tells Tamara, “Don’t even think of stepping on me,” what is she doing?

Another choice you have is speaking to Rachel but not about what you asked me about. I don’t like the idea of asking Rachel to say something to Tamara because I am not an advocate of indirect communication.

It just muddles things and becomes a petri-dish for unhealthy collusions and misunderstandings. So what do I think you should say to Rachel? A simple request: Please don’t encourage Tamara when she makes insulting comments to me. No laughing at jokes, no continuing the sarcasm, not a snicker. That is the only power that Rachel has here. You have the power to address Tamara directly, and Rachel has the power to be a non-encouraging (maybe even disapproving) bystander. My husband recently did a program in Washington Heights about domestic abuse.

At the end of the program, Rebbetzin Schwartz spoke. She said that she is qualified to speak at the event even though she is not in the field of domestic abuse. Instead, she deals with schools. When there’s a bully in school, research shows that empowering
the victim is not as effective as making the bystander disapproving. So Rachel may be the bystander who is unintentionally politely encouraging Tamara.

Of course, you cannot rely on Rachel to do this, as it is not her responsibility to fight your battles for you. She may not even want to have the conversation with you because she may not want to be involved. So if you tried addressing it directly with Tamara and things aren’t changing, you may want to strategize a bit more. Figure out how you can hang out with Rachel without Tamara.

So that’s the logistics of it. But I wouldn’t mind seeing you snap a spontaneous “Please don’t talk to me that way,” next time Tamara’s tongue gets the best of her. That’s authentic, open, honest communication.
-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com. The Ask Aviva cartoonist, Talya Weinberg, is on maternity leave this week.