Ask Aviva: Crying for home

Dear Aviva,
My wife and I were planning on sending our son to an out-of-town yeshiva for ninth grade this September. He has always been socially anxious and has trouble making friends. We thought that going away would help him refine himself. He was not thrilled with the idea when we registered him, but now he expresses that he really doesn’t want to go. We don’t know what to do, because we think that he would benefit from having to make friends but we don’t want to have to fight him so much. He’s starting to cry to us almost everyday. What’s your take?

-Freshie Father

Dear Freshie Father,
I am so happy that you are writing to me before he embarks on a mission that we can call “Set-Up For Failure.” Sorry to be so harsh. But not that sorry.
Just like you have to listen to your own signals when you are too tired, too overwhelmed, too thirsty, you have to listen to the signals that your son is sending. And it sounds like he is very good at communicating his protests (hey, crying is a form of communication. Albeit a wet form.) Your son is telling you something.
A ninth-grader crying everyday is not a good signal. I’m not saying that keeping him home will alleviate his anxiety, but I think that sending a kid off like this is akin to shoving him off a cliff. It goes without saying that you had the best of intentions when these “push-him-off-a-cliff” plans were made.
You saw that there is an issue of social anxiety, and so you wanted to help him along. I think you should continue to go with that. Instead of shoving him along, try coaxing him along. Let him be in an environment that includes things that are not anxiety-provoking. If you were him, wouldn’t you feel less anxious to make friends during first period if you didn’t just wake up to having to figure out the best way to say “good morning” to your stranger roommate, your dorm counselor, and the kid who just walked in on you in the bathroom?
The social skills need to be addressed, but in a way that will set him up for success. Set realistic goals. For someone with severe social anxiety, a goal of inviting a kid to come over for a game on his Wii is a bit too ambitious. A more realistic goal would be to say “Hey” as he passes a classmate on Central Ave. Scaffolding, behavior modifications, social skills groups are just some of the methods that have proven successful. I don’t think you and your wife should be the ones who are encouraging him to improve. Not at this age.
There are so many awesome therapists out there who are great at helping with this issue. With the proper therapist (I would recommend a male therapist who has a lot of successful experience with adolescents) this kid can really work on things.
So aside from getting him a therapist, and scrambling to get him into a local high school, what else can you two do? I recommend paying attention to your social lives. Your teen is still a kid, and can still reap the benefits of observational learning through your modeling. Do you or your wife talk on the phone to your friends? Do you hang out with neighbors Shabbos afternoon? Or are you two more of the hermit—I mean “homebody” type? (It’s ok, I have license to make fun. I hibernate in seasons other than winter.) What I’m trying to say is that I think it will give your son an extra boost to see live social interaction in front of him. The kind that he does not have to participate in.
Also, let him learn a skill. Guitar is so cool. You can just jam with another kid and not even have to talk. Even something like art, which is more of a one-person activity can make him “the art guy” or give him more confidence overall. Ask him what he would be interested in.
Keep that kid close to home. And let me be the only one to dish out the tough love.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.