Adventures in Suzuki Violin

While the economy has slightly dampened the craze to show off our “designer children,” that yearning still lingers just beneath the surface.

Here’s an example from my own life. My wife and I used to schlep our six-year-old Eli to hipster Williamsburg for Suzuki violin lessons, where the (childless) teacher treated her students like prisoners of war. After two years watching the poor kid desperately try to play “I Like Chocolate Ice Cream,” we were forced to admit that these classes were more about making us look and feel like super-parents than about enriching our son’s life.

We yanked him out of the class, saving ourselves a small fortune and saving him further embarrassment. We couldn’t even tell ourselves later that our intentions had been good; we were trying to look selfless while being self-centered.

Consider the rise of the Bugaboo. This “Cadillac of baby strollers” has tires fit for Formula One A Bugaboo can set parents back $1,000, and many grudgingly pay that amount because they’re afraid of being judged by the other parents in the neighborhood for not giving their baby the best of everything. No wonder they sigh that they can’t afford kids.

Factor in the longer hours Mom and Dad work to pay for the stroller and violin lessons and they have less time for the kids themselves. So they have to hire a nanny, and that costs money, which means working longer hours — and so on.

Kindergarten “graduation”? Our parents would have scoffed at the idea. Now failure to attend such events might be considered tantamount to child abuse. Watching my kids getting their diplomas wearing caps and gowns and diapers did feel a little, well, childish.

Keep in mind that many things you think your child needs aren’t really necessities. However, in today’s materialistic, consumerist society, we’re under more pressure than ever to keep up with other parents in terms of toys, clothing and violin. In a hundred years, we’ve evolved from an agricultural economy, in which children were a family’s “employees,” to a society in which kids are the boss. Even if your children don’t make constant demands for gifts, you’re surrounded by advertising and entertainment messages telling you you’re a lousy parent if your kids don’t receive all the latest goodies.

Many people fear that being forced to focus on their children’s happiness will compromise their own. However, one of the paradoxes of parenthood is that just the opposite is true. You and your children will be happier if you don’t focus on their happiness quite as much.

Parents too often give up their own leisure time and try to “kill two birds with one stone” by spending all their free time in activities with their children. We think this makes us better parents, but much of the time either we’re bored or the children are bored.

Let’s face it: most activities trumpeted as “fun for the whole family” rarely are.

When we use up all our free time going to child-centered events, we’re bored and our children know it. On the other hand, try taking your children to more adult venues and watch them grow impatient and start acting out. The day I schlepped our children to the Museum of Modern Art was an unforgettable experience — in all the wrong ways.

I’m not advocating never taking children to highbrow cultural places or leaving them in front of the television all day. (In fact, our family doesn’t have a television.) But contrary to that warning sign you see in the supermarket, sometimes it’s okay to leave your child unattended in the sense of not feeling obligated to schedule every moment of his or her day (and yours) with busyness for the sake of being busy.

Does an entire planet populated with disrespectful, spoiled, undisciplined, self-centered adults (who all hate the violin) 20 years from now sound like paradise or hell on Earth?

Simcha Weinstein is a best-selling author. He has appeared on CNN and NPR. He was recently voted “New York’s Hippest Rabbi” by PBS’ Channel 13. His latest book, “The Case for Children: Why Parenthood Makes Your World Better,” has just been released.